Friday, July 22, 2011

Trey's Pregnancy One-Liners (the Brynn Edition)

The following is a compilation of all the charming, funny, or ridiculous things that came out of Trey’s mouth during my pregnancy with Brynn

JEN:  Are you concerned at all about tomorrow’s ultrasound? (the first time we hopefully see a heartbeat)11/30/10
TREY:  No
JEN:  Why?
TREY:  You’re showing lots of normal pregnancy symptoms.
JEN:  Like what?
TREY:  You’re getting more...[pause]...voluptuous.
JEN (thinks to herself):  Oooh he thinks my boobs are getting bigger.  He must think I’m sexy.
TREY:  And your boobs are getting bigger.
JEN (thinks to herself):  Oh, he just thinks I’m getting fat.

12/8/10
TREY: I think you’re starting to show...[pause and thinking]...or you’re retaining fat.

12/11/10
JEN:  I think I’ve been looking unattractive lately. (seeking much needed positive reinforcement from spouse)
TREY:  Yeah, you’ve been looking a little frumpier than usual.

12/12/10
JEN:  Did you see the 8wk email this morning that said that our baby has little webbed fingers and toes growing from tiny arms and legs?
TREY:  Yeah, they are like little t-rex arms.  Arrrhhh!!  (To get the full effect of this one, you have to envision the Trey t-rex animated motions that go with this statement.  Shouldn’t be a problem for those of you that know him.)

12/13/10
TREY (after coming home to discover Jen’s much needed new full coverage bra purchase):  “Holy big boobies, what is THAT?!  It’s a cannon holder!!!”


12/17/10
TREY: “Just think of what it’s going to be like to have to change diapers 4 times a day!”
JEN: “Uh, 4 TIMES A DAY, Trey???”
TREY: “Well, that’s how many times I pee or poop a day.  Don’t all humans go that often?”
JEN: laughing, laughing, laughing

12/23/10
TREY (this follows Jen explaining to Trey while he watches Sports Center that she read it is a good idea to spend two 5 minute increments a day with a hand on her belly to “bond” with baby and set aside time to think about him/her.  Trey begrudgingly rests hand on Jen’s belly.):  “Nice to meet you”...followed by long pause...”hmmm, Cheez-Its? Of course I love Cheez-Its.”

1/5/11
JEN (speaking to Riley after she got into the laundry):  Riley, please stop eating my underpants.  It’s embarrassing.
TREY:  Why?  Because it takes 2 servings.

1/28/11
TREY: You know how some people have 6-packs?
JEN:  Yeah???
TREY: Well, you have a keg!
JEN: (unimpressed glare)
TREY: What?  Having a keg is way better than a 6-pack, right?

1/31/11
(THE STORY: A friend comes over to help us determine what type of life insurance we need on each of us now that we have a child to prepare for.  Trey’s comment follows the friend’s departure after our meeting.)
TREY:  Yeah, I wouldn’t need nearly as much money if you died.  Think of all the food you eat.

2/17/11
JEN (after Trey woke her up at 2:30am to show her the picture text announcing the birth of Max Daniel Layton and getting her all excited): I’m too excited to sleep!!!  There’s no way I’ll be able to sleep!!
TREY (basically kicking Jen out of bed): You need to go in the other room and call my mom because I guarantee she’s awake and my dad’s asleep and that’s what I need to be doing.
(FOLLOW-UP: Jen leaves the room and makes the phone call.  Sure enough, Deb is eagerly waiting to share her excitement with Jen and Ken is asleep.  The gals got quite a kick out of Trey’s clever words!!)

2/21/11
TREY (looking at some drawings that our friends’ kids, Kinsey and Kayden, made for us):  Look, they drew one of me walking Riley.
JEN: If that is Riley, then that is definitely ME walking her.
TREY: I don’t know, he’s awfully skinny.

2/21/11
(THE STORY: Trey worked from 8am to 12:30am on a Saturday, sheet rocking the basement.  He eagerly had Jen email the progress photos to both the moms on Sunday night.  Monday he came home from work anxiously wanting to hear the moms’ responses.  Jen delivered the news that they unfortunately had not responded yet.  The following was Trey’s way of mocking the mothers’ eager baby response emails, but lack of response to any Trey-attention emails.)
TREY: What the heck?  You could email them that you farted over the weekend and they would write back in like 5 minutes, but I practically finish the whole basement and nothing!

2/25/11
TREY: Why are you making that weird face?
JEN: I just felt the baby kick.
TREY: Are you sure it wasn’t his wiener?

3/17/11
JEN (holds her belly and gets a proud smile): What if this is a future president?
TREY (gets the same proud smile): Women can’t be president, so that means it’s gotta be a dude!

3/18/11
TREY (delicately embracing yet another pregnancy symptom while kissing Jen goodbye at 6:30am before leaving for work): You were snoring like a wildabeast last night!!  But I just let you sleep this time. (Last time, he recorded it on his iPhone at midnight and then woke Jen up to have her listen!)

4/9/11
(SETTING: At Target in Des Moines registering for baby.  Jen spots the below pictured disposable diaper bag dispenser.)



JEN: That’s just like the handy bag dispenser we have for Riley’s walks.  We need one of those.
TREY: Why? Just in case the baby poops on the neighbor’s yard?

5/1/11 FIRST CHILDBIRTH CLASS COMMENTS:
TEACHER~Explaining the first diaper change/meconium and showing a graphic picture of a first dirty diaper.
TREY:  I wonder if you can ask the nurse to get the first one.  GROSS!  I got the second.
---
TEACHER~Explaining that wether or not your water breaks may be dependent upon what you're doing at the time or what you do for a living.
TREY:  You'll be in the middle of a nap.
---
TEACHER~Has the group of ladies sitting on exercise balls and reclining against our partners that are sitting in chairs behind us.  Explaining the power of a massage both as a means to reduce labor pains, time it takes to labor, as well as create a relaxing environment for mother that extends to child throughout the entire pregnancy.  She goes on to discuss a study of babies that were followed into old age and explains that there is scientific evidence that babies whose mothers were the regular recipients of massages during pregnancy had less tension in adulthood and hypertension in old age.  As she starts to demonstrate different massage techniques for the partners to try, she explains that this week's homework for the guys is a 1 HOUR MASSAGE PER DAY.
TREY (sharp deep gasp; he starts to make a small circular motion with his thumb on Jen's back...think thumb wrestling) whispers:  This counts towards Monday.
---
JEN (Heads to the bathroom after class and comes out to find Trey standing amongst 3 other guys waiting for their bathroom-dwelling wives that are instantly silenced.  We start to head for the car.)
TREY:  So what did you think of the class?
JEN:  It was very informative.  I think this is going to be really good for us.  What did you think?
TREY:  I think like the other guys.  We got scammed!



5/4/11
(SETTING: Both of us reclining on the couch, watching American Idol.  Jen keeps experiencing embarrassing issues with uncontrollable “baby toots” as she’s choosing to call them.  Trey is less than amused.)
JEN: The baby keeps moving around a lot.  I think it’s kicking my uhhh...[she pauses for the word]
TREY: Fart machine?

5/15/11  THIRD CHILDBIRTH CLASS COMMENTS:
INSTRUCTOR [explaining how serious it can be if wife pushes too early and tears her cervix; trying to impress upon the men that it is of utmost importance for them to encourage wife not to push if/when situation arises]:  Guys, imagine having the most uncomfortable diarrhea urge ever (Jen shoots up a silent prayer at the mention of diarrhea, "Dear God, please let my ears be the only ones to hear the smart aleck remark that is bound to come out of Trey's mouth"), multiply that times 110, and then you find out that the only accessible bathroom is closed for cleaning for at least 30min-1hr.
TREY (leans over and whispers to Jen):  I'd crap my pants.
---
INSTRUCTOR [turns off lights, plays soft ocean music in the background, passes out massage tools, and has moms positioned on all fours leaning against the birthing balls for a massage and simulation of breathing through contractions]: This is the start of the first contraction.  Take a deep breath ladies and continue to breath.
TREY [chooses the massage toy with the squeakiest wheel and proceeds to whisper in Jens ear throughout ALL 3 contractions that we practiced]: Need to grease the wheel, need to grease the wheel....
JEN [the only one in the room not experiencing complete and utter relaxation because she's stifling a laugh and trying not to pee her pants; something tells her this will not be so funny in actual labor]

5/17/11
(SETTING: Jen returns home from her 30wk OB check after just having told Trey over the phone that the doctor said she is measuring ahead.)
TREY:  Hi. (Kiss)  You’re looking extra large today.
JEN (stands baffled with mouth open)
TREY (stifles a laugh and attempts to recover):  I mean...the BABY’S looking extra large today.

5/21/11
(SETTING: Jen has just spent nearly all day on her feet painting the nursery and has developed her first real case of swollen ankles.  She discovers them while cleaning up in the shower and emerges onto the deck where Trey is grilling once dressed.)
JEN (seeking positive encouragement from spouse):  I think my ankles may be swollen from painting today.
TREY (examines Jen’s ankles for a half second before exclaiming):  WHOOAAAA!!  Holy Cankles (a condition people get when their calf merges with their ankle with no distinction between the two)!
TREY RANDOMLY DECLARES FOR REMAINDER OF NIGHT:  Sweet Canks!

6/7/11
(SETTING: In the car driving to childbirth education class.  We’ve just finished eating McDonald’s on the road.  Half the humor of this story is the background knowledge that Trey thinks Jen is the messiest eater ever.  5 minutes before this one liner, he informed Jen in colorful Trey verbiage that she had crap all over her face.)
JEN:  Look!  The baby is really moving a lot.  I think it likes McDonald’s.
TREY (does not take his eyes off the road):  Or it’s just trying to kick the crumbs off your belly.

6/7/11
(SETTING: In our last childbirth education class, with lights off to promote a more ambient background to imagine labor.  The instructor has dads sitting on the floor positioned against the birth balls with moms sitting in between their legs, resting on their chests.  Moms are instructed to grab their knees and simulate pushing while breathing.  Dads are instructed to coach as if labor were taking place.)
JEN (focused):  Hee Hee Hoo Hoo.  Hee Hee Hoo Hoo. 
TREY (enthusiastically whispering repeatedly in best Jerry Maguire impersonation):  Show me the baby!  Show me the baby!

No comments:

Post a Comment