Monday, April 22, 2013

Deep Thoughts at the Washing Machine

Yes, Bubba is bathed, wet, and once again, not going to make it through the drying cycle.


For those of you that follow my Facebook page, you may have seen that Brynn’s laundry day is fairly traumatic for both her and her prized sidekick, Bubba.  For those of you who are unaware, Bubba is a pink giraffe that she cannot live (read: eat, sleep, bathe, play, travel) without.  After many failed attempts to sneak Bubba into the washing machine without B being the wiser, I decided to take the honest approach today.
“Brynn, Bubba needs to take a bath.  Smell him.  Ewww, he stinks.  Bubba needs to get clean in the washing machine.  Okay?”
She sniffs him, thinks, processes that she cannot join Bubba in his journeys, and quietly protests (read: whines), “noooo.”
Mommy drags a a full laundry basket and a sad toddler to the laundry room as B white knuckles her fearless leader.  I somehow coax her to toss him into the machine.  Note to future self: do not start the coaxing until you’ve loaded every last article and added the soap.  In the time it takes to measure the soap, Brynn has lost all desire to give her friend the bath he desperately needs and pries him out of the machine.  With a little force and a lot of “hold me” comforting (this is her new phrase by the way...so hard to encourage independence with such a precious plea), Bubba begins his weekly bath and Mommy begins to think...

Isn’t this so like human behavior when it comes to entrusting God with our most prized possession(s)?  I start to think about my “Bubba.”  Sure, I’ll hand God my dirty laundry and prayerfully ask him to bless my mess.  Fight with the hubs that was, at least in part, my fault?  Yes God, please take that and bless my marriage.  Annoying colds that plagued the Raney household last week?  Yes God, please take that too, put a hedge of protection around this house, and keep us healthy (and while you’re at it, please forgive us for not coming to church yesterday in the name of keeping the sniffles to ourselves.)
But what about my “Bubba?”  That one thing I struggle over and over again to give to Him?   If I’m honest, I spend a great deal of time fearful that God’s plans for my child’s life differ from my plans.  My plans involve health and much happiness...a child that gives her heart to Jesus at an early age; a child who innocently enjoys her childhood; a child who grows up to marry a Godly man and blesses us with many, many grandchildren; a child who lives a long, fulfilling life and one day has the privilege of seeing her own babies produce Godly families.
Now if I’m real, real, painfully honest, I’m also fearful that God chose to bless us with Brynn as a one time miracle for which He does not intend to repeat.  Some of you may know that, like many, we have battled infertility.  Brynn was a miracle in every sense and an answer to many, many prayers.  Like Brynn, I’ve thrown that fear into the washing machine many times, only to pry it right back out at the first sign of losing control.  Brynn has taken a tumble or two down the stairs that has brought me to my knees.  “God, she’s all we have.  What if she is all we ever have?  Please don’t take her from us.  Please, God, can you see me gripping her so tightly down here?”
I am reminded of an amazing story that I read, Choosing to See by Mary Beth Chapman.  This is the story of a family’s struggle after losing a child under very tragic circumstances.  It is their journey of hope and lays out all of the beauty that God brought from such a sad loss of life.  I harbor a very unhealthy fear that God may one day choose to take my child.  I selfishly battle Him, pleading that I love her so much and do not want to sacrifice her even if it means bringing great glory to His kingdom.  She is mine; I need her.  In reality, she is His.  He has entrusted her with us.  For how long, I have no idea.  I pray and I pray that His will for her life aligns with mine.  But at the end of the day, it is not healthy to carry so much fear of losing your child.  I don’t know if this fear goes through every mother’s mind or if its simply the crazy talk that bounces around in mine.  Regardless, I want so badly to give control of her life to Him because, really, He truly does love her more than I do and only He is worthy of such a task.
Bubba’s gotta get clean and I guess I’ll just need to trust Him to “hold me” through the process!

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